Locating Myself

Sometimes, I dream the entire night of my life back home. If I lie in bed on the dawns of those mornings too long, I drift even further from India. Sometimes, I have to stop to remind myself that I'm here. "...It seems your entire life you've been coasting along as if it were a dream..." Sometimes, it hits me how strangely possible it is to live in two places at once. It's the surreal, narrative, big brother of multitasking. Did I mention before that I'm learning more about the inside of me, about what precedes me (namely, my past, what I come from), about my relationship to the U.S., to home, than I am about India? I think that's because every new moment here is a crisis of rearticulating myself in a new mold, of Shiva hammering that mold into some more refined shape. If any of this sounds homesick or unpleasant, then I've failed to convey the fascination and excitement of this all, which I don't think I could expect to do anyway. It is also much less fantastic and certainly never so climactic as it might seem, and therein lies my adoration of these experiences: they're real.

But, I must say, I am beginning to move to the rhythm of this place more. I don't feel so shellshocked. I barely even look both ways before crossing the street now. I talk to locals more. I'm learning about India. I'm not so afraid to think something about it. Before, it felt like every move was a misstep. Now, I stumble knowing the necessity of doing so. The first day we met Rima ji, she told us that "the world is not a perfect place." It is strange how happy that makes me to keep in mind when this all seems confusing.

I've decided that I want to be a psychologist, a musician, or a teacher when I grow up. Or some combination of the three. It came to me suchly during the car ride to Shekawati on Wednesday, as I was listening to music. Not suddenly, but after my mind had wandered long. It was comforting to hear something so clear and simple this brain of mine. It's amusing and refreshing, what moving from place to place can do for you.